Saving a life

There were times where I wished the world was smaller and I could hide, but then it didn't happen.
There were times where I wished I won't let the devil advocate influenced me, but I allowed.
There were times where I wished I wasn't this strong-headed and insisted for answers that hurt.
There were times where I want to just lie down motionlessly, but I can't
There were times where I wish I could be happier and not give too much thought on stuffs, but I couldn't.
There were times where I wish that people could save me by just being a constant element, but they didn't.



There's so many times where I go "what-if", what-if things changes for the better? How do i know if it is going to improve, when I never knew what's best?

What-if, it was all just a bloody lie and I was sucker to get out of the ruin that I sank for that lie?



{Update on The Ex (Axe, LAWL)}

Before I left for my Hongkong trip, I decided that it would be very appropriate time to end all the "negativity" cum "extremely emotional" thoughts behind. So I drafted a bloody message, which i took really long , appx 2 hours, and decided to unarchive our conversation and clicked the send button.

It sounded like an easy peasy stuffs, but honestly? It wasn't. When I clicked the send button, I think so did my breathing for a few seconds. I mean, what worse could have happened right? He could probably blocked me and would never get to know about the text, or perhaps he changed his number? There were so many possibility, but I wasn't bothered; instead i was terrified. I was terrified of being hurt that I refuse to walk out of my comfort zone.

I knew that walking out of my comfort zone would meant me well. I needed that CLOSURE, but I didn't had the guts to seek it. So went i decided to seek it, I was really happy.

So, did he replied?

YES. He did reply and replied that he was drunk and his sorry for all the pain he has inflicted on me. Apparently, he was very "remorseful" that he turned into an alcoholic. Did he ever consider that I DESERVE an apology? Wait  he did apologise. And nevertheless, added he missed me.

If I were the women back when I was swoon by his gorgeous face, I would sink for that sucker line. But i did not, when he replied. I realise, I don't miss him. In fact, I never understood why i fell in love with him. However, to REALLY conclude everything that inflicted on both of us.

I decided to meet him after my trip back from Hongkong for a drink, he still treat me the same gentlemanly as he used to. Just that we have absolutely, nothing , NOTHING at all to talk about. Then, he decided it would be really 'polite' to call his friends and invite them over. Very sweet move, which he proceed to explain oh "we are going over another friend house", which he did not mentioned. What an abrupt move, he however did mentioned his heading home soon.

Thank god for my morning appointment the next day, I left abruptly after i finished my drink and PAID my drinks in full. I hate owing, especially to the guy who left me * of his friends, and still makes the same mistake.

Did i turned back and looked at him?

MEH~, done and got over that.


If i knew that the meeting would have done me so much help to get rid of him from my thoughts? I would have done it almost immediate after the break-off.

My devil won.

Dear Ex, 

The last few sentence of our conversation seems to be the only thing I could remember about us. 

"Remember how when someone leaves and you realise they weren't significant?" 

I guess it should have struck to me that those words came out from you only 2 days since we last talked. At times I blamed myself for my 2 days of disappearance, which had caused me to be insignificant, but i questioned myself this ' why couldn't you just give me a call to check on me either? '

Perhaps in comparison to your friends, I was really insignificant.. But I didn't know that having fought so hard to succumb to all the rumours about you, I was deemed to be unfit. Unfit to be a participant in your life. Was I that terrible even? Memories of us has been replaying through my mind over and over again, I'm sure there were red flags flagged along the days we were together. Guessed that when you loved someone so terribly much, you ignore all the red flags and try to be as optimistic as ever. 

 

I blamed myself for losing you, but i blamed myself more for even loving you at all. When you came into my life as a friend, I pushed you away. I built up a tall wall and refused to let you in, but you persisted. You persisted with actions to make me believe that you were a man honourable of your words, a man who wouldn't just give up without a fight. Slowly after weeks of resistance, i began to open up to you. I opened the door of my wall to let you in, and you entered with warning that I can't take the heat. 

You assured me, you hush my tears and told me that you'll be there to protect me. Though I didn't fully trust you, i start believing you were for real. I told my friends about you, i told my parents about you, I told everyone about you. I told people how unbelievable you were, how incredible you were to me. For a period of time, everyone was delighted for me that I finally found my home, my comfort. I was perhaps in the state of trance to notice that I shouldn't brush away all the rumours without finding the facts/truth about it. 

Yet I told people that I'll trust you fully and the fact that we were together right now matters instead of digging your past deeds out. I fought my own devil, my sanity to love you. I kept assuring myself that you wouldn't hurt me like how others would, I fought so hard to keep my sanity on so that I won't  be over-paranoid. But i guess... in the end, my devil won. I had wounds before you entered my life, yet you had to cut it deeper when you left. 

Part of me hate the fact that i let you into my comfort zone, everyday upon returning home, it had to remind me of you. Seems like a 'gentle reminder' yet it isn't. Do you know how terrible it is to not think about all the times we had here? I guess I should have known better. I should have known that when your friends kept calling in the middle of the night to recoil you back, I should have known that I would always come second to them. But it's okay, it really was. I perhaps just needed a few minutes of your time to hear how your day went. 

On that Saturday, remember when I said could we talk for a few minutes? I really needed a few minutes of your time. I missed you terribly and i know you wouldn't have call me anyway, so i had to make the first move. I begged you to call or let me call you, yet you brushed me away because you were out with your friends for supper. I knew I wasn't significant, I just didn't know how insignificant I was. Guessed i got my cold hard truth in the end. 

When I know you were playing me after the break-up, I didn't cry. I guessed my tears were all dry up from crying myself to sleep. I didn't budge, I didn't even call you to scream at you or to ask for an explanation. I didn't... I knew that an explanation won't matter anymore. The truth was lay upon me and yet I needed to dawn over the fact that we had moments together. I wanted to keep those moments to myself and knowing that if i did call you, you wouldn't have answer my phone anyway. 

It was silly of me to have believed all the words you have said. It was silly of me to believed that love existed in my life. It was silly to believed that I nearly died with you, matters to you at all...

But it was a right decision of me to have erased you off my phonebook, whatsapp messages , and photos. To ensue that I don't drunk dialled you anywhere, I even took the guts to delete my instagram and Facebook. How silly isn't it? 

Yet, I was the one who loved you truly, madly, deeply. 

This will be the 100th letter I wrote for you since you left and it will be the last one. 

Goodbye the one whom I loved too terribly much, 

Goodbye the one whom I thought was incredible,

Goodbye to all the moments we shared.

x

Sincerely, 

The one whom truly loved you. 

Why won't you spare me the grieve?
Each time someone with a similar name appear, images of you flashed in my mind.

For god sake.... Can you please please, get outta of mind?

x

You know what's ridiculous about me?

I actually treat people whom isn't nice to me, too bloody good. What the heck. I can't believe I didn't remember how shitty you were to me...

IT seems so bloody clear now.