You can't go back to change history, therefore make your present and future counts.

I finally got the glimpse of what is it to smile genuinely. To be truly carefree and happy. 

Recently, I decided to have a few closure in my life, honestly it took really more endurance than agony to close things up. But I did, and i'm proud to say that, that hurts less then i expected. 

To:

the guy whom i initially stood up for, 

the guy whom i fought hard against my darkest soul for,

the guy whom broke every single promises he made, 

the guy whom i really thought was worthwhile,

the guy whom i put in effort and sweat for, 

the guy whom treated me like a toy. 

Thank you, thank you for putting me through all these pain. If it wasn't the pain that you put me through, i won't have noticed that i needed closure, and i need a breather. Because of you, i woke up. I woke up from the slumber and realize how many people out there, truly care for me. Because of all those promises you made and never attempt to salvage, i realize how one-sided this was. Yet I'm sorry because I can't take this agony anymore. You made me bared my soul to you, and you treated all like a joke. You took my words like a humor; till i came to my senses, i realize how hilarious i looked to you.

I was perhaps treated like a possession, you wanted me. But the truth was, you never wanted to keep me. No, don't you ever dare to turn back. Because, it's game over.

Today was one of the day i smiled genuinely, till the fact that my parents finally said "wow, its a first i seen you smile this widely for a damn long time". Because I did, i finally learnt to let things go and accept the truth. No, not that the truth is a devastating or any sort. Just that, i decided to pursue what i want to pursue. 

I came to realize how fortunate am i:

To be loved by someone who had never attempt to quit on me. 

Whom had my back all this while 

Whom even when he's on a suicidal mood- wants to be there badly for me. 

Whom refuse to let me buy poetry, knowing that I would be emotional.

Whom take cares of me every way.

( This list can go bloody long )

I don't know how long would i ever be this fortunate, but then.... For once, i really don't give a damn about the length anymore. I'm milking it and letting it all go naturally. Because when you meet someone, you truly want to enjoy the time with them. & I'm finally enjoying every moment of it.

Let' us begin again, x 

I tried, I tried really really hard... 

But in the end i succumbed to my own insecurities, & no .. this has nothing to do with my bf. 

#comfort

This goes out to S. 

Thank you for everything you've attempt to do, to fill that emptiness in my heart. Not by words, but by actions. Things that you do, you always spare a thought for me and my feelings. I really appreciate how you try to make plans around me, so that I could integrate into it. 

Unknowingly, you start to play a big part in my life. Without me realizing it, you start to creep slowly into my life, filling my life not only with knowledge, concern but with comfort. Finally, i felt at ease for once that things are going in my way. At the same time, this 'comfort' kinda scares me because things always tend to go haywire when one' feel comfortable. 

Isn't it good to feel comfortable at one point time and still feel safe? 

However, this sort of feeling don't really linger too long.

Please, don't walk away from me.  

Please, let this feeling stay.

Goodnight

x 

Peace within ?

So people asked : " How do you feel now? Knowing that you're totally ruined and lost "
What do you think my answer went like?
My answer : " I'm messed up, i lost people whom i thought weren't important. I clearly misplaced them in wrong places and at inappropriate time i lost it all. But it also made me realize that, if they were so easily to be lost, maybe they ain't that important to my life,  right? It sounds contradicting, but it seems clear that i did tried. I tried to fulfill people desire to a certain extend, because Im like a hermit. Once i inched out of my 'hermit' shell and as i see a problem underlying there, i just inch back into my shell to hide. People always tried asking me what went wrong, and to express my thoughts to them. I wonder, are they truly curious or are they genuinely concerned for me? Why ain't them there when i needed them the most? They walked out of my life like it meant absolutely nothing to them on losing me. Maybe i was nothing from the start or perhaps I was just another brief stranger or passerby in their life"



It may seems absolutely worthless, but at one point of time. These people carry such importance in my life that i alter my plans for them. I would tweak my plans, timetable for these people. And truly, i understand the problem lies in me. I'm totally messed up, screwed attitude.

But i'm really attempting to change for the better. Perhaps I'm not doing enough to change, or perhaps i never did change or maybe..... I'm too messed up and i'm just good at messing things up.



I need to find peace in these regime of losing and grieving over it.