Dear Diary ,
I'm finally recovering after a 6 days of long battle with my running nose & contagious lung coughing.
* MAD HAPPY *
Have you ever felt like shit , when you try to care for someone else a little more . And the person just move away? It definitely irritates me. When you stop caring , they complain that you don't give a fuck bout 'em anymore. Sometimes i wish i'm so evil / heartless , that i can just leave those mother fucking people who pushes me away after i start caring. But i know i'd be kidding myself.
Okay stop with those whining , Today i told my bffs bout this celebration i wanted for *. All they told me was that i'm very very dumb to be there for * even after * left me,& i should just jolly well give up. Since * isn't gonna come back. And that its useless when * doesn't know how to appreciate me. But whenever i see * smile, i felt a whole lot better , like as if he were the sun. Although we're just platonic friends, i just wish * to be happy even w/o me. I wanted to suggest to my bff, perhaps i should just mail * the surprise and let * celebrate with someone else * want to be with.
But , honestly after hearing discouragement from my bffs. I felt worse.
But talking to a person let's just call him A for now, makes me feel a lot better. I don't know why , but A definitely has this charm in his words. I wanted to let him know how his encouragement regarding to my studies make me feel more motivated, but i don't know how to. After so many years, i'm just so bad at words. ): He had been once someone very important to me, and i guess he still is. Maybe one day, when i'm better at words i would love to tell him that his important to me :)
Sometimes , i want to explain myself so badly. But then i'll always ended up making things worst. So i avoided meeting people i need to have good explanation with, like my cousins or some ABC person.
Sometimes , i wish i was the sunshine of a person. And that when he/she sees me. he/she will feel better. (P/S : MY MOM TOLD ME I'M HER SUNSHINE :D)
Oh ya, I was talking to my friend weeks ago bout the topic of keeping things your ex used to gave you and the things you guys used to own together. ( that was after i read this article bout a exhibition which displays stuff bout this artist who kept everything that his/her mates use to have, WAH GOT TABLE AND CHAIR EVEN. )
Then i went through my stuffs , and i realize. I kept almost everything people gave me intact still. For a while i felt so proud, because i was never someone who bothers to care that much bout something i own. But i do kept things that other people gave me , very well. Even letters from my best friends in secondary school, to the letters people used to write to me. Even letters i got from my penpal.
I even kept envelope that those letters came in with. Even a envelope that use to contain vouchers . ( it was given by someone special ).Even 3 years ago stuffs, i still have it intact, the teddy bear, photos. I still have some of the wrapping paper. My friend called me weird when he heard that. But then , i feel proud of those keeping.
Reason : Its because of these people, i grew stronger. Every relationship i had with a different person , i learnt, i grow, i understand, i recover. Though it might take me a long time to recover from the pain i get, i still learnt from it. I guess that the nature of everything that's around us.
Because of those mother fucking people who hurt you , you'll grow stronger and avoid the same mistakes.
I should be revising for my last paper, but i guess i'll be really busy to write tomorrow. So i think this long post should cover up for two days *cheeky smile*. Shall head to club on wednesday with my babies , i can't wait to party :)
XoXo , Till then.
