Dear diary ,
Guess not only am i physically and mentally tired. My heart feels tired too. Tired of the chasing, tired of the waiting , tired of hoping. What was it bout the " if you want something, make it happen" went to? Guess it went nowhere, just that im just too tired to keep making things happen and knowing that it doesn't really matter in the end of the day.
So they said " What doesn't kills you , makes you stronger ", does it meant via versa that " what does kills me, makes me weaker? "
So what doesn't kill me then? Does love kills ? I guess it does, cause it kills heart, which is an organ that keep me breathing. What can kill you? Fame? I guess sometimes, fame does overpower a person too much, leading to arrogant.
I guess i'm reverting to my starting point. Leaving myself with scars around to handle, to heal.
I wonder, why am i never here at the correct timing, correct place, with a correct person?
Was life suppose to this messed up ?
It was never my intention to destroyed something that someone had painstakingly build up. But it wasn't something i could help myself to fall for. Perhaps, it will be all over soon, all over.
I couldn't help feeling remorseful about it, at least now i know my heart isn't hard yet. Which in my case, i don't suppose its a good trait. Nice person, tends to finish last. So i guess, if i wanna finish first, i really got to be some bad ass.
At least, i realize, i wasn't the heroine in this story, i was a cast to make sure things go the way its suppose to be. Like perhaps, a backup crew? heh
The impulse of calling him, hearing his voice is there. The impulse of going over and giving him a hug existed, but i know i shouldn't. I have many things i want to tell him, i want to know about him. But i can't step over the line. Once line broken, its the time when chaos start arising.
If i knew i mess his life when i first knew him, i couldn't have brought forward till now. Perhaps i just wanted to compensate the damage i've done. I shouldn't stay, i'm just hurting him.
People always tend to ask me, why am i not in a rush to get into a relationship?
Sometimes, i would love to ignore these questions. But it got me asking myself, why was it that i don't to..
I guess i know the reason. But its okay, i'll heal, i know at least one day i will.
I've neglecting myself, my body these days. I guess i need to pamper myself someday.
I've neglected my childhood buddy, who was here these years. Never failed to shower me with love like a brother. I need to make up to him.
So many things to be done, so little time yet so much effort had to be contributed.
Sigh, need to sleep with a heavy heart, and split headache. What a joke.
XOXO
