dear diary,
maybe i'm beginning to wake up. maybe i'm trying to see it from another perspective. maybe i'm trying drowning myself in physically pain to forget bout whats going on mentally. maybe i'm gonna lose my mind. maybe i scared. maybe i just loved you.
Falling in love makes me feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to what's gonna come next. Every starting comes with an ending. Be it good or bad , there's an ending. An ending of a r/s to start a marriage, or an ending of r/s to a total stranger.
I remember i gave my heart out to my best friend, and i lose them both. Ironic was , he said i could trust him and never would he betrayed me. The feel of betrayal is torturing , especially it was him who betrayed me in the end.
Sometimes i wish i could just shut up, i wish i could just stop talking for a single day. I wish that i could be in a coma for a day. Its driving me to insanity. I wish i could tell him every single thing, i wish he'd understand how i'd feel. But i end realizing, i'm opening myself to get hurt everytime i try to explain my feelings...
Don't tell me cause it hurts. It really hurts. It really hurts to know that they don't feel the same way you does. You're trying, you're just scared. just very scared for getting yourself fragile all over again. Each time you tell yourself not to fall too deep, you end up falling deeper and deeper. Its torturing, its mind-fucking yourself.
I need to start breathing properly again, i need to stop crying . I need to stop feeling miserable, i deserve to be happy for once. after 6 months of misery, i should be happy .
But whenever i'm happy, i'm worried what coming next. . . . .
I need a break,i need a getaway. Maybe i'd try backpacking
there's so much i wish i could tell him, to tell him i really loved him. but i ended up holding my feelings back knowing he doesn't feel the same way.
i should really shut up.. shut up for once.
p.s : this is killing me, slowly.
buzzing off , marketing tomorrow.
