Dear diary,
My life is sort of in a turmoil right now. *sigh heavily*
But finally my hectic lifestyle of sleeping at 4am in the morning and waking up at 8am is over.
School claims it to be " Break " , i rather say its "Hell". I have so many stuffs on hand to complete, so many stuffs yet to compile. So many coding to see to.
The vibe is getting bad. I need some exciting vibe. Feel like saving and try sky diving /bungee jump. No i'm not joking, but i find excitement in that.
Oh yes, mom says apparently i find that exciting because i'm under heavy stress that caused me to feel this way. Perhaps so i have to agree, perhaps so.
I think life fucks you up when you least expected it. Some part or point of time you wanna your life to be peaceful, although i must say it doesnt really often happen though * frowns *
I think I'm sort of easily to be forgotten. People just walked in my life, giving me hopes and leaving me when i needed the most. I tried being strong, but even the strongest person have weakest moment .
I think this is my weak moment. I need to feel appreciated, need to feel needed.
I dont like how the fucking love cycle go. This is why i never wanted to do anything in a relationship. It will never worked out for me... I guess perhaps this is not for me. I wished that it was for me, but i know deep down its never gonna happen.
Its not like i didnt tried, i realize the more i tried, the more likely am i gonna screwed out. So if next time love comes in my way, im just gonna walked out of the door like i always do. At least i'm not gonna get hurt, i can't always be nice and allow people to keep me hurting like it doesn't matter. I need to be selfish, i need to start loving myself more than i love others.
It doesn't make sense for me to sacrifice myself, love others a little more and end up getting serious heart damage. I wished i know how to stop myself before i get hurt, but i usually end up being awfully hurt ..... It doesn't make sense , it still doesnt make sense. Was all this fight worth it in the end?
We keep fighting for the moment of the truth, but when we realize the truth. We start whining that we rather be in our self-denial world because truth hurts. I guess truth is visible when you finally figured someone out.
I'm not sure what we gonna be , but ever since you came to my life you made my life filled with sunshine. Those rays of your cheerfulness , those sweet things you'd do for me... Its only a week, i know its coming to the end of the sunshine. I know there's gonna be a rain after this, a pouring rain, but there's not gonna be a rainbow after the rain. But I guess thats why im broken.
Still i have to thank you for this week of sunshine. Even though its just a week, I guess i was happier than i was in a year. I never felt so happy for sucha long time, i know its all gonna be over soon. I know one day you'd be reading this, i wanna tell you i fell in love with almost everything, your lovely voice when you sing me to bed, your lovely voice when you give in to me in almost every single unreasonable argument we had. I know you had made a lot of empty promises, i know you don't meant them. I never blamed you, i was delight when you had the slight thought. You never had any idea how much you matters to me. Im sorry i couldn't love you enough , i'm sorry you realize I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry i fell in love with you first.
Love is sucha game.
Needa gtfo, seeing couples passing me every alternate 10 mins is depressing . As if the love cupid is rubbing the love season in my face.
Last year x'mas was a bad one.... A bad one, and i think it'll be marked as a horrible day for the rest of years until i find a purpose of celebrating it.
P/s : I miss you.
xoxo.
