" I could have almost everything in the world, but i choose you. How silly "
Dear diary,
Its close to 2012, a brand new year. Though i could say 2011 was a terrible year for me, I don't anticipate much for 2012. The irony was that i'm supposed to look forward to 2012, since it would be far more exciting than 2011. & Much more closer to my departure date. But.... my heart feels heavy.
In 2011, I made lots of mistakes, careless one to be exact. Be it , in love, in friends, in money, in studies. It sucks, but i honestly don't feel i learn from my mistakes, because i keep making the same one. *SHRUGS* I guess i regret a lot this year. & These regrets causes me to lose people i love, people i cared about.
Last year X'mas was definitely a disaster, a full year worth of relationship gone on that day. Which is a particular cursed date for me this year, avoiding any guys before that date and after that date. I feel so cursed on Big event days like, X'mas, New Year, Valentine. Things normally don't end well in the end. Maybe i'm the only one who feel this way, paranoid much, but i rather be safe than sorry.
I thought 01/01/2011 was a good date, a brand new start, and without much thinking i went into a relationship. It was a total chaotic situation i was stuck in, but I met a guy who was worth that chaotic situation. He helped me overcome my fears and took great care of me, neverless he never complaint about my hectic schedule and he always like to give me small little surprises.
Though , It never worked out in the end because i have too much commitment on hand, and i never told him the truth that i love him.(p/s : I couldn't say it out, not because i don't love him, i did. Just that I was figured that once i said it, he'll be gone.) Still, I wished i had the guts to said that, because he got away before i did.
Though in the end, situation went haywire because i couldn't take it anymore. Another story, another ending. It's not a sloppy sad story, but I'm glad it all happened.
I have no idea why I'm raking out my past today. But i guess i just want to reminiscence bit by bit of what have gone through this year.
Time passes really quickly, sometimes we want to stop and enjoy the perfect moment , but we never got a chance to. People move on, feelings changes. You'd feel that your feelings was like a liability in the end.
I thought I'll never be perfectly happy again till this Monday. He was like a sun shining beautiful rays into my life, rays of light that i never thought i'd wanted . I have no idea how it all started, but it felts so surreal . I wanted to run away from that glimpse of light, but i couldn't help but stared at that beautiful ray again and again. I got addicted to him. It was like you felt he was your soul mate, a person who plans a future like you did, whose ideal goal was almost aligned to yours.
I never thought i'd found someone so aligned to mine. I was afraid of the storm after the rain, so i tried my very best to make him stay. But , he dint. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.( I'm laughing now at how pathetic my thoughts were at that point of time )
I think love makes people stupid , maybe not everyone. But me , for sure. For everything he had said, i remember clearly. For every promises he'd said, I could remember clearly. I thought he was a promise-keeper like i did. But it was just a misjudgement. He was as fucked up as me. I don't blame him, If i was him, i wouldn't love me either.
No wonder, the happiness was surreal, like I borrowed it. Yea, happiness is short-lived in my life, but its okay. I learn that no matter what, people fucked you up. Love fuck you up at the most unexpected time, exact time when you thought you'd found someone , you get all fucked up .
Honestly, I think my resolution for this year failed miserably. It was " Not having a single drop of feelings for any guys ". My entire list of resolution was done except this. *groans*
I'll make a mental note to include that for my next year resolution. Gonna write it on X'mas.
Found this photo of me on my Lappy. Black and white X'mas. So typical me.
Now lemme describe my mood in songs on Monday :
Then by the end of the week :
Then I hope by next week :
Okay but actually i still feel like shit, gonna party like crazy next week. At least fill my schedule up to the brim, so i won't remember how much it hurts.
Really sorry to people who cared for me, i needa getaway for awhile.
P/s : & I got the fucking hint, i don't have to be stupid enough to stay around and watch you stepped my heart over and over again.
XOXO
