Dear diary,
Suddenly, everything i once knew felt so surreal. Like i was living on a lie, perhaps more like a delusion to be exact. For once i thought it was real, it was something i could but my faith on. What an irony, I was the one who suggested the trap. Now I'm trapped in a trap of my own.
If love was real, don't love that hard, don't love with all your might.
It could had been fate , but it would end more like a karma in the end.
Sometimes we drive ourselves mad to please other people, please the people we loved.What are you really getting in the end? Their praise, their respect? You just wish they'd give you the attention you have craved for. But was the attention you craved being satisfied? No, we ended up wanting more and more attention from them. The irony is that we tell people that we just crave for that little attention.
Bah, human are filled with greed. Greed is the root of all evil.
We end up getting hurt , yeah and the pain stings like a bitch. We sulked , we questioned others about our own ability. We questioned ourselves what was done wrong. I guess it wasn't what we done wrong, is what went wrong. What had influenced everything, what caused the changes?
In High School, we were always prompt to write on ; Who, How, Why, When, What, Where ? I think there might be a huge list for that. But I'm just listing an example. In life, we often need to question ourselves the "Who,How,Why,When,What ... " , no we are not gonna write a story about it. We just hate to doubt ourselves, so therefore we create questions for ourselves in any case of doubt.
Perhaps I'm not making much sense here. In fact, I'm not making much sense this week. Guess what goes up, comes down too. So much for a relationship that basically rely on a friendship. It has been a full hectic week for me, ICA, Presentation, Tests, Renovation. Basically, I crammed almost everything into my week , at least i won't count the minutes , the seconds we're not talking.
No, i won't be in a self-denial state and say i don't missed you yet. I do, just that i knew you were joking all these while. I knew your love was completely a bullshit, yet i went on believing it. Because you were my best friend, I thought best friends weren't supposed to hurt each other. Best friends were supposed to looked out for each other. But you didn't , you criticize people you love without implicating the consequences.
Of all the people, i thought i could have trusted you. I thought i could just put a glimpse of hope on you. Guess it was a real foolish thing, Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me. I guess we wasted our chance again, and again. The sad thing about it was, you were my best friend, you were given a hall-pass for access to my heart. But you threw it all away the night you walked away.
Perhaps it was intuition that told me it would come to an abrupt stop, just it didn't tell me when it'd come to an abrupt stop so that i could have prepared for. But it's all right. At least i see how true you said you'd be. Of course, I'm utterly disappointed in you. But , fuck it. You already lost it all in one night. All the trust we have came to build these years, crumpling down in one night.
So mightly pathetic, but this is life. So I'm gonna stick with it.
Yes pep, I'm fine. I just need some time to adjust back. Next time i'm gonna trust ,when my radar warns me. No following of my heart anymore, just my radar. Alright, Gonna have some vodka before i call it a day. My hectic timetable have taken a toll out of my life that Im choked up with tiredness
Luv you guys, X
