Dear diary,
The anger that resides under my emotions is growing. It's raging into something to humongous that I somehow feel so dilemma. Should i just dug a hole and hide this anger or throw into a fit of rage?
Do i have take in consideration that if this fit of anger is thrown, whose the innocent parties suffering from it? Or do i need to care about how people feels like that I'm hiding things from them ? Or Could i google all this dilemma away ? Does it really helps at all?
Truth is hidden somewhere, I know i just buried this truth somewhere not wanting to face the truth because it would be leading me to reality. I'm being so self-denial , trying to self-comfort myself to fantasy. Though i know it's gonna be time i need to face the music, but yet i can't seems to muster any courage to do so.
I'm happy living in this fantasy that everything stays so perfectly. Yet knowing that this happiness is gonna take away something away from me. There's no free lunch in this world, you want something you put something in exchange. So, let's face it.
But what have i really learnt all these years of running away ? Have i learnt that it's at least truth worthy ? I should, yet it seems so despicable if it were. Rumors spread faster than good news, perhaps rumors would hit the point where it would soon. Then all the dirty linen will be hung up for everyone to judge. Was it worth it after all these torturing years?
It's time I'd be taking the skeletons out of my closet. It seems long enough that I hung it in the closet. Closing the closet door, not allowing everyone to peek at my skeletons.Each time I try to let someone peek, it get worse. Then the aftermath was , addition of skeletons into my closet , guess that was my punishment . I would be so judgmental , but i guess its best to lock that closet just for safety purposes..
I want to know my life is gonna get better from now on, I wanna know there's still hope, maybe to restore a little of faith. I want to know that you'd stay to paint this picture with me.
Yet knowing that I'm far from close than i started, I feel so fragile & vulnerable. I know there's limitation to one can go, i know where's my limitation. When i realize i don't want to lose this battle against myself, i started planning to fight against this emotions. Then i realize, I'm fighting a losing battle against myself.
Sometimes being reckless is a journey to a land of regrets. The irony is that it could bring you to land of joy. I suppose i could conclude I'm in the land of joy, but it seems that I'm falling into the land of regrets. Can't someone stays genuinely happy without compromising?
Relationships sometimes fails when people share troubles with their friends instead of sharing with each other. It turns out to be a disaster by doing that, because misunderstanding just keep on layering on and on. So who do you run to when you know you're losing the person you shared things with? Do you tell the person that the problem is you're losing them soon or .. ?
I think i should remain good at screwing up happiness. It seems like this happiness doesn't belong to me….. Yet i wish badly that this happiness would last as long as it was suppose to seems. I guess I'm scared, I'm turning paranoid, turning to a woman i detest the most. How paranoid are you when you know you're close to closing people you love? How scared can you get when you know you can't afford to lose anymore?
I wish i had a solution like i normally do,should i just keep running away from it like i normally do? Or stay to let myself feeds to the lions? But I've come to a phase that i wanna muster the courage to stay on, knowing that I'll be crawling towards a lion cage, I still crawl towards it. Sometimes love makes people stupid. Love takes risk, and I'm still putting in stakes. I don't want to give up no matter how many people tell me,judge me. I will fight till I know someone is gonna be fighting for him. I can't take defeat , but if it could mean the exchange of a happiness , i would.
(P/s : I love you )
