So people asked : " How do you feel now? Knowing that you're totally ruined and lost "
What do you think my answer went like?
My answer : " I'm messed up, i lost people whom i thought weren't important. I clearly misplaced them in wrong places and at inappropriate time i lost it all. But it also made me realize that, if they were so easily to be lost, maybe they ain't that important to my life, right? It sounds contradicting, but it seems clear that i did tried. I tried to fulfill people desire to a certain extend, because Im like a hermit. Once i inched out of my 'hermit' shell and as i see a problem underlying there, i just inch back into my shell to hide. People always tried asking me what went wrong, and to express my thoughts to them. I wonder, are they truly curious or are they genuinely concerned for me? Why ain't them there when i needed them the most? They walked out of my life like it meant absolutely nothing to them on losing me. Maybe i was nothing from the start or perhaps I was just another brief stranger or passerby in their life"
It may seems absolutely worthless, but at one point of time. These people carry such importance in my life that i alter my plans for them. I would tweak my plans, timetable for these people. And truly, i understand the problem lies in me. I'm totally messed up, screwed attitude.
But i'm really attempting to change for the better. Perhaps I'm not doing enough to change, or perhaps i never did change or maybe..... I'm too messed up and i'm just good at messing things up.
I need to find peace in these regime of losing and grieving over it.
